1. When you arrive early to the airport, and are rewarded with a line like this in return.
What fresh hell is this?!
2. When someone asks to see your ID, but you can’t find it anywhere.
It’s in my bag right?! It has to be in there, because if it’s not, that means I’ll miss my flight and have to go through this insanity all over again.
3. Getting assigned to a zone that will absolutely be called last, and knowing you’ll have to check your carry-on.
The whole point of packing a carry-on is that you get to carry it ON. THE. PLANE.
4. Having to take off your shoes, and realizing that your socks make you look like a crazy person.
Or worse, when you wear shoes without socks, and have to walk through security in your bare feet. (RIP happiness.)
5. When airport security needs to open your bag, and you realize you’ve made a huge packing mistake.
6. Having no battery life on your phone, and noticing that there is no space to charge it at the charging station.
Oh, you need to charge your laptop and your iPhone? That’s cool, I’ll just be quietly seething over here.
7. Having to make the choice between getting hot food or missing your flight.
8. And when you realize the cost of buying ANYTHING anywhere at the airport.
$13 for a banana and a prepackaged sandwich? Great.
9. When someone “accidentally” bumps into you with their massive bags.
10. When you see signs like this that make you question how the world works.
11. When you’re stuck in line, on the brink of missing your flight, and you watch the pre-TSA screening line just breezing on past you.
Zero fucks were given.
12. When the airport doesn’t have Wi-Fi.
13. The feeling of intense shame as all of your bits are patted down by a complete stranger.
I should’ve worked out more before this. Damnit.
14. That horrible feeling when you have a connecting flight that you’ll never make, but the airline won’t listen.
15. Coming up with new and inventive ways to sleep, because airport seats are built to mock you.
16. When you hear a crackled voice over the PA system tell you that your flight has been delayed. Again.
17. Seeing people who are still confused about getting things into bins in the TSA line, even though we’ve been doing this for 12 years.
“What? I have to take of my shoes and put my things in a tray?!”
18. How every airline employee uses a vocabulary that’s completely and pointlessly unlike the way any other human being in the world talks.
No one calls a bathroom a lavatory.
19. People who clog the gate entrance before the rows are called and slow the whole boarding process down.
WE ARE ALL GOING TO GET ON THE PLANE, IT’S OK.
20. When you think you got in the short baggage claim line, but then the one next to you starts flying by, and you die inside a little.
The baggage carousel, in general, is stressful.
21. When you have to try and explain where you are to someone picking you up, and you realize there are 15 different “Terminal A” signs.
And then you just wait, like a puppy in a pet store.
22. And when people are picking you up, they have to keep circling the airport in their car. Because terrorism.
23. And the worst: when your flight is delayed and they won’t tell you why, or how long it will be.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TO GET A SNACK?! WHO KNOWS.
Hey, at least we’re all in this together… RIGHT?!
…Unless you try and cut me in line.
1. Getting dressed for yoga/running/anything that involves moving your body in an aerobic way, then getting distracted by some lazier endeavor. If you’re eating Pocky and watching House in your workout clothes, that makes it a workout. #logic
2. Sleeping in past noon on at least one day of the weekend. Just like you did in your teens, but without screaming at your mom for waking you up at 3 PM. Also without the KoRn posters. Hopefully.
3. Sleeping with your laptop next to your bed so you don’t have to get up to check your email in the morning. Pretty sure this is going to lead to a Hills Have Eyes mutant baby for all of us, but no, by all means, keep doing this.
4. Eating in bed. So like, basically your bed is where you do everything, except possibly have sex, since it is covered in crumbs and wires that charge iThings, you sexy beast.
5. Delaying brunch an hour or two because you can’t motivate yourself to put a bra on. When you’re apologetically texting your friends and delaying brunch, the most carby/privileged/yuppie meal of the whole damn week, you know you are reaching Def-Con lazy.
6. Skipping washing your hair until shit gets really dire. Like “there is not enough holy water in creation to douse and kill the godless things that are growing in your topknot” dire.
7. Same deal with cleaning your bathroom. Contagion started in a twentysomething’s bathroom.
8. Same deal with changing your sheets. If they ever shine a blacklight on my bed. Sweet fancy Christ.
8. Using a laundry service. GUILTY, muhfucker. And the sad thing is, using a Laundromat to do your own rather than forcing some poor stranger to touch your dirty underwear isn’t like running a triathlon. All you have to do is put your laundry in, put the detergent in, hit “cold cycle,” and sit on your ass. But I am too lazy, even, for that.
9. Leaving your laundry folded in the laundry service bag for months rather than transfer and re-fold in drawers. They just, they folded it so nice!
10. Memorized the Seamless menu in your area. If you do not order off Seamless Web at this point, you are living in Oregon Trail and shooting your own buffalo. Or you actually have the gumption to get off RedTube and go walk over to the takeout place, you freak.
11. Ordered off Seamless more than once a day and/or the stupidest non-meal food items. Such as: One baklava and one green tea. One order of shumai and one ice cream tempura.
12. Losing any sense of shame when the Seamless delivery guys start recognizing you. “Oh, right, her again. In the same stained Seniors ’05 t-shirt. Answering the door with bats flying out of her hair. Tipping me generously, her eyes alight with the madness of isolation, like a human child raised among dolphins after being the lone survivor of a plane crash.”
13. Actually getting annoyed when you have to get up and answer the door when the Seamless guy comes. That pesky delivery man has interrupted your master plan to become One With Your Couch and end up needing surgical separation.
14. Sitting through the commercials during a movie because you don’t want to bother skipping through the commercials. Your laziness trumps even that Swiffer commercial with the old people that annoys the hell out of you.
15. Never washing your bra or tights because they need to be hand-washed. OH, THE WOMANITY.
16. Buying new underwear in lieu of washing old ones. I am actually convinced that this is how Aerie turns a profit. (And I contribute 50 percent of said profit this way.)
17. Accepting $700 ATM fees instead of walking a little more to get to your bank and withdraw money for free. Think of how much money you’d save over the course of a year if you just walked a few more blocks! Or don’t, if you like feeling sane.
18. Taking a cab, car service, or Uber in any situation where you could have walked or taken public transportation. Because, let’s face it, sometimes the idea of walking anywhere is unfathomable.
19. Wearing coats missing buttons because you’re too lazy to sew them on. Or safety-pinning your coat where buttons used to be, like a steampunk version of a Dickensian orphan.
20. Forgetting to pay bills until the creepy automated voice leaves you voicemails about how you owe them $408.52. “In order to ensure that your cable service continues, you can pay the entire balance, the outstanding balance, or give us your first-born child.”
21. Adding water to a soap dispenser because you’re too lazy to go to the store and get more. Otherwise known as “what my mother does, over and over, until the contents of said dispenser are 99 percent water.” (She does it for cheapness, not for laziness.)
22. Turning dirty socks inside-out and wearing them again.
23. Being more hungover the next day because you were too lazy to drink a few glasses of water before bed. Buy a coconut water on the way home from the bar. Everything will be better.
24. Opening the fridge and only finding a few weird condiments and one piece of old bread. No, there is no meal to be made from Sriracha, year-old hummus and that anti-aging night cream that you like to keep cold.
25. Only cooking from cans or microwavable dishes because the concept of using a “stove” or “stovetop” sounds like a Barefoot Contessa-level of commitment. What’s an “oven?” They used that to cut people’s heads off during the French Revolution, right?
1. You only have to set one alarm. (i need at least 5)
2. But you usually wake up before it even goes off. (only if i need to pee or something similar)
3. You love the silence and peace found only in the morning.
4. Birds chirping? The best. (i keep a shotgun for those)
6. You’re all about 7 a.m. yoga. (god, i don’t even have breakfast cause i’d better sleep in)
7. Even better if you can work out when no one else is around.
8. You don’t mind if the sun isn’t even up. (yes if i didn’t go to bed at all)
9. If you sleep in past 10, you feel like your whole day is wasted. (the best feeling ever)
10. But if you can get yourself to sleep till 8, you feel like a freakin’ champion.
11. You’re always dressed to perfection because you take the time to actually put yourself together. (pff)
13. You have to do all your important work early, or it’s just not getting done.
Busting out a paper at 6 a.m.? Way better than doing it at 11 p.m.
14. Missed Scandal? You’ll finish it before anyone is awake to discuss it.
15. When you cheerfully say hi to your co-workers, they all just scoff at you. (i hate those cheerful motherf*)
16. You’re always in charge of making sure everyone else is awake and ready to go. (that’s me in bed)
17. Plans after work? You have to chug coffee to make it.
18. Watching a basketball game that ends at 11:30 and knowing you’ll be up in five hours: worst feeling EVER.
19. Your friends invite you to a party that starts at 1 a.m. No thanks.
20. Your favorite time to hang out is breakfast, but no one will go with you.
21. Which makes your mornings kind of boring sometimes.
22. But while all your lazy friends are still sleeping, you’ve already finished all your errands for the week.
23. Even though you can’t explain to anyone why it’s so important to wake up early…
…you know being a morning person is the only way to be. (true that, i wish i was. it would make life so much easier)
1. The most perfect moment that ever happened.
2. This balloon enthusiast.
3. The surprisingly well-prepared bucket head.
4. The lowest moment in this dog’s life.
5. The slight overreaction.
6. The future is now.
7. The dog who knew exactly what was coming.
8. This pug that is ashamed of his dancing abilities.
9. This disgruntled dump truck.
10. The day Elmo finally reached his breaking point.
11. The presumably British cat who needed directions
12. “FOR CHARLIE!!!!!!”
13. This opinionated future music critic.
14. There are two kinds of squirrels.
15. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
16. Good dog.
17. This kid who’s definitely not going to get into heaven now.
18. Kids are just tiny drunk adults.
19. Carpe diem.
20. Dog fail.
21. You had one job.
22. When a prank goes better than you could have imagined.
23. The one with the treadmill.
24. The world’s angriest otter.
26. When days of planning finally pay off.
27. The most entertaining mascot ever.
28. Nailed it.
29. The thing that triggered this woman’s lifelong fear of clowns.
30. The smartest dog in the world.
31. The double-pronged attack.